Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust

Fear.

Tigger — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 01:52:02 +0000

I’m scared. More than I ever have been.

There’s the normal fear for my age group of the future.
I’m afraid I made a mistake 6 months ago.
I’m afraid we won’t be okay.
I’m afraid I won’t find a job.
I’m afraid of living at home again.
I’m afraid of school.
I’m afraid of messing things up.
I’m afraid I will never stop blaming someone for someone else’s mistakes…or my own.
I’m afraid.

Fear use to inspire me. I used to use it to fight…to fight through insecurities, worry, and doubt. Now? It uses me.

I know this is a contradictory post to the theme of this blog, but I’m writing to let other people having these same fears know, you aren’t alone. And hoping to find my way through the fear.

"He who has hope has everything." -Arabic Proverb

God’s Wildflower

Tigger — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 20:39:09 +0000

So, for my acting class today, we were asked to go outside and write down what are 5 senses were, well, sensing. I could smell the wildflowers hiding in the trees and got to thinking…

Sometimes I wonder why I don’t fit in. Is it cause I’m 5’5″ instead of 5’8″? Is it cause I’m a brunette with red hair? Is it cause I wear jeans and listen to Zepplin instead of wearing skirts and listening to Black Eyed Peas? Is it cause I’d rather spend my Saturday night with a good book and Saturday Night Live instead of going to the hottest club? Is it cause I tend to be one of the guys instead of one of the girls? Or is it that I’d rather play like a child than think like an adult?

Or is it that I know all these things about myself and everyone else has yet to learn who they are?

Or is it that God has destined me to be different to shine His light to a people who could relate to me more than the Britney Spears crowd?

I’m not exactly what most people call tame or beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have low self-esteem. I’m pretty in a unique way, but not what most people would call beautiful or tame. I’m more of the unusual, quirky type. Hmmm…maybe that’s it…

Maybe I’m God’s wildflower…meant to grow where others can’t…be appreciated when others can’t…meant to shine in ways others can’t…meant to be beautiful in places others can’t be…yeah…

God’s wildflower.

♥

Catching Up

Tigger — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 07:29:47 +0000

Well, my life since March 15 has been crazy, fun, sad, happy, and full of…well, life. I have a lot of catching up to do on my inspirations.

While I have had an inspiration for every day, I’ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping a log.

But, I will try to write a post for each of the ones I remember and as many as I have time for in the future.

Be on the look out for a few new posts a day as I try to catch up.

♥ Always

Desire

Tigger — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 17:21:18 +0000

So, I was on Facebook today and was writing a “note” titled 100 truths. It’s one of those chain notes…like, “fill this out and then tag 10 or your friends” and then they fill it out and tag 10 friends, etc etc. One of the last questions was, “What is the one thing you can’t live without?”

And I thought about that…and several things came to mind…trying to find a common ground between them all…my answer was desire.

I almost answered life, but decided that was too vague.

My life…to say the least…has been what it is because of my desires. I desired to be on a sports team…so I tried out for volleyball and went on to play 6-12th grade, one club season, and 2 years at junior college. I desired to be in the school play, so I tried out and went on to do several shows afterward. I desired to go to UNC-Chapel Hill, so I worked my butt off and applied and got in. I desired to have friends that I could rely on no matter what, so I was outgoing and made friends. I desire to study at NYU this summer so I’m doing everything I can to plan it out and present it to my parents in hopes they’ll say I can go…though truly, they may have a hard time stopping me.

You see…my life would not be my life it wasn’t for my desire to push me and motivate me to do the things I have done. Yes, my desire has led me down the wrong path a few times, but overall, my desires have made me who I am and what I love and given me passions and taught me lessons.

So dear reader, I challenge you to listen to your desires and be thankful for your past desires. I’m not saying follow them no matter what…be smart…but if your desire is a smart, well-thought out desire, then dear reader…embrace it with everything you have.

“…trusting desire, starting to learn, walking through fire without a burn…” -Rent

♥

Home Sweet Home

Tigger — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:41:15 +0000

Ambition. So…before I had even been to New York, I knew I was going to live there one day. While in New York recently, I made a new goal for my life. By the time I’m 30, (ideally 25 or 26), I would like to be moving to or moved to New York.

My next home

It’s ambitious, but reasonable. I have many connections in New York now who would be willing to help me find jobs and find places to stay as much as they can. Yeah, it means saving up a lot of money over the next 5-10 years, but it’s not impossible to do. That’s a long time. I can do this. Can? What am I saying? I AM going to do this.

When I was in New York this past week, I had never felt so at home in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have it great here in North Carolina and it will always be home, but New York is where I long to be and I am going to make it happen.

“I’m just a small town country girl with a big city heart.” -Me

♥

If God isn’t a Tar Heel, why is the sky Carolina blue?

Tigger — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 15:57:07 +0000

For those of you who don’t know me, I go to University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. This within itself is amazing. From the time I was 6, I secretly wanted to go to UNC. Why I was so secretive about it, I have no idea. However, from the time I was 6, I knew I’d have to earn scholarships if I wanted to go to college. And of course, I wanted to go to college, so from then on out, I worked my butt off in school as much as I needed to make good grades. Or at least good enough to get in a school and get a few scholarships in my back pocket. Well, coming out of high school, I never imagined I could get into UNC, so I didn’t even bother applying. I ended up applying to a few schools, but decided to go to community college for two years. Why waste thousands of dollars on an education I can get for one thousand a year? Yeah, didn’t make sense to me either.

Anyways, coming out of community college…I really had no idea what I wanted or where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. I hated this because I have always been someone who knows what they want. But there was so much to consider…scholarships, tuition costs, out of state or in state, parents and how close/far away I wanted to be, etc. etc. Well…I decided that I had worked my butt off and deserved to at least try to pursue my secret dream. I applied to UNC and trying not to get my hopes up too much, crossed my fingers. Of course, doubting myself, I applied to other schools as well. I got in everywhere I applied except one school. Luckily, that one school was not UNC. UNC was the first school I applied to and the last school I received an acceptance letter from. But once I had that letter…I knew where I was going to finish off my college career.

I love Carolina. While I have not travelled every inch of this world, I am determined that nothing compares to UNC. First of all, nothing beats a little Tar Heel Spirit. School spirit here is enough to pull someone into the Carolina blue and white vortex yelling “Rah rah Carolina ‘lina!” at the top of their lungs as if their life depends on it. Second of all, the campus is beautiful no matter what weather we have…well, except maybe pouring rain, but even then there is something magical about this campus. In the fall, the quad is a blanket of leaves of all different colors, reflecting the diversity of UNC itself. In the winter, while the weather may not be the most fun, the campus still stands out in the fog and mist. The beauty of the lamp light at night reflecting on the brick walkways is something I never thought I would call beautiful. Oh, but when it snows in the winter…UNC turns into a magical winter playground. You can’t walk anywhere on campus without seeing a snowman or two. And you’re lucky if you walk through the quad without being hit with a horribly aimed snowball. I can only wait for the spring time. I can’t wait to see the flowers bloom and the sun sparkling through the spring rain drops on the trees. Yeah, there’s definitely something beautiful about UNC’s campus…something about it that you will never find anywhere else. Third of all, the atmosphere alone at UNC is…ineffable. You can’t not walk on campus as a student and not feel like you’re a part of something huge. I mean, yeah, it’s not like every student on campus knows every other student on campus on a personal level, but if you just walk around campus and people watch…it’s amazing to watch the human interaction at UNC-Chapel Hill.

Yes, my school inspires me today. Carolina gives me this feeling that I am truly a part of something bigger than myself and that is not to be taken fore granted.

“I’m a Tar Heel born and a Tar Heel bred and when I die I’ll be a Tar Heel dead.”

♥

(P.S. Go to Hell Duke!)

Eve Marie Carson

Tigger — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 10:13:01 +0000

R.I.P. Eve Marie Carson

Today, one year ago, Eve Marie Carson was murdered. Today, an entire University remembers her and the impact she had on the community, the university, and each of our lives.

While I was not at UNC during the time Eve was student body president, I can see the impact she had on UNC. Almost all of my teachers have held a moment of silence for her. Almost every UNC student on Facebook.com has changed their profile to a picture of Eve and updated their status as a quote from Eve or something in honor of her. And all I can do is sit back and say, “wow.” She died so young, but what an impact she had on so many people in such a short time. She was truly out to better UNC and the surrounding community. I believe very strongly if she had been granted more time on this earth, she would have had an even greater influence on the world.

To Eve’s family and friends, I am more sorry than I can express for your loss, but please take some comfort and peace in the fact that your daughter changed and impacted so many lives in her short time.

“The world inspires me.” -Eve Marie Carson

♥

Dare You to Move

Tigger — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 04:11:07 +0000

“Dare You to Move” by Switchfoot has always been one of my favorite songs. Today, I wasn’t feeling so good-more emotionally than physically-and was really tempted to call out of work. Then after talking to a friend for a bit, she told me that if I wasn’t physically sick that she thought it would help me deal with my emotions if I went into work. She said, “Work will distract you and give you something else to think about rather than all this stuff that’s been going on lately.”

So I decided to give it a try. And while it didn’t distract me completely, it did distract me. I actually even laughed and smiled a little…who knew it was possible?

So to my friend, thank you for daring me to move.

“I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor…” -Switchfoot

♥

“…he is just my dog…”

Tigger — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 10:07:42 +0000

Today…this may be extremely weird, but today…my inspiration comes from my dog. It’s funny how dogs always know when something’s wrong. My dog has always known when I’m sick and has always understood that I don’t feel like playing fetch or soccer and has always just cuddled up next to me—especially when I get cold.

I wish I was this intuitive with my friendships. I wish I could always know when something is up with my friends and when something has them thrown off and they just need someone to be by their side. I’m going to work on that.

“He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds. He is the part of me that can reach out into the sea. He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being; by the way he rests against my leg; by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me.) When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive. When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile. When I am happy, he is joy unbounded. When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another man. With him, I am all-powerful. He is loyalty itself. He has taught me the meaning of devotion. With him, I know a secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. He has promised to wait for me… whenever… wherever – in case I need him. And I expect I will – as I always have. He is just my dog.” – Gene Hill

♥

White as Snow

Tigger — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 10:01:27 +0000

IT SNOWED!!!

I love snow. Always have. I hate cold weather…unless it’s snowing. =D

One of my favorite memories is tubing behind the four wheeler in the field beside our house. Another is taking those huge storage bins and using them as sleds on the hill behind the house. We’d crash into trees and flip out of them, but we didn’t care. We were having fun and that’s all that mattered.
This year, I was lonely and kind of upset so I went to visit a friend. Well…we decided to go to a movie and while waiting for the movie, we ran to the dollar store. We looked around…and then we found it…the toy aisle. We ended up spending about $10 all together on glow sticks, bouncy balls, slinkies, silly string, and silly putty. We decided we were going to go home after the movie and have a mini-rave. And that we did…that we did.

Then it started to snow and we mini-raved in the snow. But they have black lights all over the house…and who knew, but laundry detergent glows under a black light. Cool right? Well, we decided to use that as rave paint.

We were having so much fun one of his house mates asked us if we were drunk. The sad thing is, no…we weren’t.

It was so much fun and all it took was the child in us longing to get out and be silly.
Let your inner child out every once and a while…you’d be surprised at what kind of memories you get out of it. =]

“The great man is he who does not lose his child’s-heart.”
Mencius, Book IV

♥